Weighted Memories
by JeiC
Summary: This is the proof that they existed.


Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Gundam Wing. The story idea is mine however, so please keep my name on it if you pass it around.  
Author's notes: I posted my notes at the end so I don't give away anything before you start reading.  
Warnings: angst, mild language, maybe yaoi implications…maybe

**Weighted Memories**

by JeiC  
----------  
Sitting down at the dining room table across from Chang, I flip open a textbook I pulled out of my bag at random. Hey, I've got some sort of homework due in all of them, doesn't really matter which one I start with.

I felt Wufei's eyes upon me as soon as I entered the room. He knows I won't bother him unless I'm asking for help on something, which I try to do as little as possible – not out of pride, but out of respect for the scholar.

The only thing that is a little unnerving is that I can still feel him watching me. Usually he'll note my presence and that's the end of it.

Mentally shrugging to myself, I attempt to ignore his analysis and find out what is due for this class – getting started. I have no intention of wasting my entire weekend doing homework – bad enough it is probably going to take me at least most of if not all of Friday to get the project alone done.

Though to be honest, I'm kind of glad he was supportive of my stepping back to a reserve Preventer and going to get my degree even though it is unrelated to my current line of work.

I mean, really, as I find the page I need to start with, while you could stretch it to make it applicable for Special Op Preventer work, the work I do with audio and video is far more suited to the entertainment industry.

Double checking the assignment due for this class, I stop and think about Wufei's support.

Well, there are a lot of people who have been supportive, but the support of the guys, especially my housemates meant a lot to me. Being neck deep in textbooks, homework, papers, and vid discs is a lot more fun than being knee deep in case files.

Speaking of…I reach for my laptop and my camera. I can transfer the files over to my desktop later. After plugging my laptop in and setting it to capture the video from my camera, I go back to reading up on audio mixing techniques.

Still I feel the Chinese man's gaze upon me – apparently the case file he was reading was extremely boring even for him. I give in and look up directly at him, raising an eyebrow in question at his behavior. There's a time for words and a time for silence – something that I've learned in recent times. This is not my time for words…

…but it seems that it is Wufei's time for them. "Duo, do you mind if I ask you a somewhat personal question?" For Chang to look even remotely nervous has me edgy, plus the use of my first name raises a red flag.

Though I force my body language to appear at ease, "Sure, man, what do you want to know?" I can't say I ever remember him ever asking me anything that he was worried that I would take offense to.

"Why don't you ever cut your hair? I've noticed that you're always having to move it out of the way." Black eyes stare at me as he leans back in his chair and folds his arms over his chest.

I shrug in response, "I just don't." Confusion briefly flashes across his face and I clarify before he can ask, "And no, it's not for looks…I'm not that shallow."

He backpedals quickly, "I wasn't saying that you were."

Going back to my book, a couple minutes later, a question gently floats my way again, "Then why?"

I don't bother looking up, I'm beginning to get slightly aggravated at the prodding, collecting myself, a sigh escapes, "It's the only thing I could hold onto, Wufei. The only thing I could remember them by. Being friends with Shinigami can lead to death, but you already know that." I cap off my explanation by putting my pencil in my mouth so I can use both hands to flip through the pages of my book to reference something I had read earlier in attempt to answer the questions for homework.

What is truly frightening is that I consider him one of my best friends, so I try to keep my distance as much as possible without being rude. I used to think that if people met me they were automatically fated to die, but I couldn't deny the pattern that was occurring.

"Do you honestly believe that?" A voice from behind me asks.

I must look like the biggest dumbass turning around to find Heero standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest. As long as I don't sense a threat from a person, I can ignore them – keeps me from getting too jumpy, but I think Yuy just gave me a reason to be that paranoid.

Pulling the pencil out of my mouth, I retort, "Ain't got no need to believe, man – the facts stand for themselves."

Carefully placing my camera on top of my open laptop, I toss my books in my bag and carefully pick up the whole ensemble up and make sure it's balanced before heading out. "I'm going to go finish this up in my room. Let me know when supper is ready."

I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie, and right now, the only one the truth is going to hurt is me. So it's best that I just walk away – save myself a lot of grief.

Reaching the relative safety of my room, I just as carefully unload my bundles, plugging my laptop in since capturing video drains the batteries pretty damn quick. Reaching down to pull my audio techniques book out of my bag again, I actually notice my braid slipping off my shoulder to dangle dangerously near where it could get caught in the zipper. Great, now Wufei's got me actually noticing stupid little things that I simply never bothered with before.

Dragging my book out, I also pull my hair back into a safer place incase little goblins decide to run out from under my bed and zip my hair up in my bag. Hey, I want to be free to try and catch those buggers on the off chance that they do exist.

I only note the passage of time by the assignments I finish. Putting my last textbook on the pile with the other ones that I completed work for, I check my laptop's progress on capturing the video while I put my homework safely away or in a pile to be typed up later in front of the monitor for my desktop. So I have a weird way of doing my work…the only one that has to worry about it is me.

Beginning the transfer of the captured video to my desktop to later work on that project, I reach for my music player, but stop when I sense a presence in my doorway.

Me, paranoid? Never…unless you count the fact that I share residence with two very deadly individuals. "Hey, Heero. What can I do for you?"

"Supper is here," he notes, taking a few steps into my room.

I blink momentarily at how that was phrased, "You guys ordered out?"

Yuy shook his head just enough to get his bangs out of his eyes. "Wufei's idea."

"Oh…" It's rare for Chang to ever order out.

Moving to head downstairs, a hand is on my shoulder, stopping me before I can reach the doorway. "Do you really believe what you said earlier?"

Blinking again, I replay my earlier conversation at the dining room table. Schooling my expression before it even reaches the surface of my face, I reply, "Got no reason not to. Now come on, lets get food before it gets cold. If Wufei ordered out, it has got to be good." I manage to pull away from him before the conversation can continue…especially in a direction that I do not want to tread right now.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs without making a sound and well before Heero, I sneak up behind Chang, who is putting plates out on the table, trying to keep my presence completely unnoticable. "Boo."

Jumping and spinning, the Chinese man lashes out with a deadly backhand that I dodge by rolling backwards. I know it's coming – I've done this too many times. Seeing who scared him, his normally calm voice rises, "Dammit, Maxwell! How many times have I told you not to do that! One of these days I'm going to hit you and knock that smug expression off your face!"

His triad is cut off by Heero laughing quietly in the doorway. With the amount of times I've encountered Yuy in a doorway today, I'm starting to think that he's the one that's paranoid and wants to be the first one to escape. Though, I'll admit, it's nice to hear the blue-eyed man laugh and it not be his crazed "I just blew a lot of shit up" laugh – that laugh even gives me the chills.

Noticing that it is safe to enter, Yuy steps up to my side as I get up from my crouch and dust myself off. "Do you need help?"

"Put Maxwell on a leash?" Chang quips and then shakes his head, "I'm done here. Shall we eat?"

Finally taking note of what was ordered, I nearly bounce towards my usual seat. "Woohoo! Pizza! Wufei, you're awesome!" With the two health-nuts here, I hardly get to eat things like this at home. The diner at school is okay, but it's different to eat solo and to share with friends.

Relief flashes over his expression so quickly I almost miss it. Guess I guilt tripped him earlier by accident, which would explain the odd choice from him for supper.

"Hey, Wufei," I can feel his eyes on me again, analyzing, "Sorry about earlier, man."

Black eyes try to figure me out, "It is I who should be apologizing. I did not realize it was a sensitive topic."

Shrugging, "Nah, it's okay." Grabbing the first slice of pizza, I end that conversation. Our new conversation switches over to things happening at work for Heero and Wufei.

Oddly enough, it's kind of fun to hear about people I used to work with day in and day out and find out how they're doing. Also gives me a heads up when new people come in and others leave since I check in about every ten weeks and sometimes people are on vacation and I'm not sure if they're still there or who has moved to a different office and whatnot.

That and who to watch out for in terms of office politics players – that was one thing that I could not get over. I hate those stupid, backstabbing, immature, childish games, but I guess you'll get those just about everywhere you go. Didn't have to deal with this kind of trouble as a Gundam pilot. Of course I didn't get paid for that particular "job" either.

The conversation tonight remains light and mostly on the dumb things the new recruits did in basic training.

---

By the time I get up the next morning, the two of them are already long gone.

We live about an hour on a good day from the Preventer base. Can't say I miss getting stuck in rush hour traffic.

Going through my usual routine, I look outside. The semester is almost over and the weather is perfect for a morning run. It's early enough to still be cool that I won't keel over from heat exhaustion, but late enough to not have to compete with kids waiting for school busses.

Normally, I'm an early riser and attempting to beat those busses, freezing my ass off until I get warmed up, but I stayed up into the wee-hours of the night working on sudden inspiration for my project. Man, am I glad I don't have class on Friday.

After changing, I set out for my run. Just because I'm not an active Preventer anymore doesn't mean I should let myself go.

Pausing at the end of the driveway, I kneel down to make sure one of my sneakers is tied tightly – felt a little loose. Again, I take notice of my braid coming over my shoulder and I barely catch it before it touches the ground. Maybe Wufei is on to something, but…standing up after having secured the tie, I head off.

Feeling it beat against my back, my thoughts wander back to Chang's question. He never said that I have to or that I should. He just asked why. It was a legitimate question. I just can't bring myself to cut it – to part with the weight of my memories…the death that I caused by letting people get close to me. I choose to carry the weight of my past both physically and of course in my head.

At one point, in between all the imprisonments after the Maxwell Church Massacre and my sneaking into Professor G's super secret Gundam lab, I was desperate enough to cut it off and sell for someone to make a wig. I had the knife to my hair and bracing myself for the cut when I stopped, and thought about not wanting to give some bald, rich, L2 aristocrat the luxury of having a wig that they would toss away when the newest style came out.

That and I felt like I would have been betraying so many people…Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, the other street rats in our gang, the other orphans at the church. So, I just never cut it. I used that knife instead to kill an Alliance soldier who was about to beat and rape a young girl because he insisted that she was stealing food from the nearby base.

Guess what…that was me. And you know what else? I gave that girl the food I had stolen that day because I didn't just kill him, I knocked him out, fed her, and once she was gone, I taught the bastard what it was like to mess with the God of Death. Granted all of that happened in about a five-minute time span, but it felt like forever.

Realizing that while I was lost in my thoughts, my body completed the run on autopilot. Sometimes I even frighten myself.

Walking back into the house, I shower before settling back down to work on my project. With the amount of work I put in last night, it shouldn't take me too long to finish up. I'll probably be tweaking it until I turn it in though.

Jumping when someone taps my shoulder, I spin in my desk chair to nail them with my elbow only to have it stopped. I had been so focused on what was being piped through my headphones that I again dismissed the presence as non-threatening, but all the same, the jerk should know better than to sneak up on me.

Aren't I the hypocrite? I mostly do that to Wufei to keep my reflexes sharp. Looking at the hand that stopped my elbow before it could gain enough momentum to do damage, I follow the arm up to look at Heero. Pulling the noise reducing headphones off with my unoccupied arm, I ask the first question that comes to mind, "What're you doing home already?" Geez, it isn't even noon yet. What are you doing in my room is another question that comes to mind, but I guess since I wasn't responding to him I can let it go this time.

"Duo, it's 1900. We're usually home at this time," he replies in his usual monotone of boredom. Or is it his monotone of Duo-you're-an-idiot? I wonder as I turn quickly to look at the nearest clock.

"Heh…I guess it is." My stomach silently yells at me for being ignored all day. "So what can I do for you?" Click, click, save, click, render.

"You haven't eaten all day again." Not a question, no. Mr. Yuy, ladies and gentlemen, is stating a fact, which means there's no distracting him from his train of thought. "You know…"

"Geez, Heero, I know!" The memories of having to go through counseling for the eating disorder are still fresh – mostly due to the fact that I don't want to sit and listen to a bunch of psychological bullshit again. Turning back to my computer, I hide my face, which I don't trust not to betray the pain from that particular event. "I just got caught up in what I was doing and lost track of time. You know how I am with this stuff." I wave my hand at my monitor displaying the video laid out over the timeline of the non-linear editing program.

The blue-eyed man moves and sits on the edge of my bed closest to where I am. "You get like this towards the end of every semester," he quips.

"Heh…guess I do." No point in denying the obvious pattern.

The room falls silent for a few moments. Getting up, he heads back towards my door, "Supper is ready if you're hungry."

"Hell yeah!" I bounce up, nearly strangling myself with the headphones still hanging around my neck, and follow the Japanese man. He's a little odd, but he's the best friend I could ask for. Though, I wonder about his opinion. "Hey, Heero…do you think I should cut my hair?"

"Do you plan on dieing soon?"

Blink…er…"Uh, no."

"Then you might want to consider it. Eventually it will become unmanageable." He keeps heading downstairs without pausing.

Huh? You know…living with these guys sometimes is a real trip I'll tell you. I'm starting to think that I'm the sane one among us.

The scents from the kitchen/dining room hit me as soon as I'm within a couple meters of the door and my stomach decides to let everyone know exactly how hungry it is.

"You forgot to eat again, Maxwell?"

Rolling my eyes I reply, "It's good to see you too, Wufei." Chang begins to lecture me about my poor eating habits while I wander over to set the table, noticing every movement my braided hair makes as I move – swinging about behind me, sometimes in counterpoint to the direction I'm going. Hopefully my perception will go back to normal soon because this is simply annoying. At the first opening in his triad, I cut him off, "Hey, I just lost track of time – that's all. I'm not slipping." I sit down in my spot to end my half of the conversation.

"How close are you to finishing your project?" Yuy asks quietly, bringing the food to the table. My mind has to stop and process that the conversation took a dramatic change, which I had been hoping for, but apparently not mentally prepared to answer.

Tick tock. Tick tock…how much more time do I need? "If things keep going as smoothly as they have been…I'll probably have it done tonight – tomorrow the latest. Why? Do you need me for something?" Yes! Food! I dig right in without waiting for an answer.

"Hn." Is the only reply that I get from him anyway. Whatever.

---

Eventually I'm back in my room pounding away at my project. I'm so close to being done I can smell it…either that or someone thought it would be funny to set my hair on fire. Dammit…thinking about my hair again. Setting my computer to render the video yet again, I take the time to pull the end of my braid onto my lap and finger the ends of it, pulling my headphones off in the process.

Would I be betraying their memories if I cut it? Would I be cheating if I didn't cut it all off?

Pulling the hair elastic off the end, I finger through it to undo the braid and grab my brush, not really brushing it so much as petting the long end in my hand. It really is difficult to manage now, but it's the weight of my memories that is what really matters.

Before I realize what I'm doing, I'm searching up something I had heard Dorothy had done with her hair when she suddenly decided to cut it short. I never really thought of her as the type to do something like this, but people change over time, and Heero has a point – I don't have a life expectancy of a few hours anymore. Eventually it'll be beyond difficult to manage and maintain. If I can do something worthwhile with it rather than just cutting it for my own sake, maybe it'll make things even.

"Duo…"

I spin around in my chair, barely missing slamming my knees into the side of my desk, suddenly very self-conscious of the fact that my hair is down.

Yuy is standing in my doorway, with his laptop tucked under his arm casually.

Getting up, I feel my unbound hair flowing around me – it's down to my knees now and I never really noticed before. Yes, it has been attached to my head this whole time and I never really noticed how long it was.

"What are you doing up this late?" I know it's very, very late – I looked at the clock first this time so I wouldn't sound like a complete fool.

He shrugs in response. "May I come in?" he asks just as I reach him at my door.

Huh? "Oh, yeah. Sorry." Sometimes I wonder why I leave the door to my room open when I'm awake. Stepping back to allow him in, he closes the door behind him – this can't be good.

"It's soft…" The blue-eyed man comments before my mind catches up with the fact that he has reached over my shoulder to thread his fingers into my hair. "I've never seen it down before."

I want to back up and ask him if I look like an animal from a petting zoo, but his eyes lock me into place and the words escape me. I've gotten handling Yuy's death glares down to an art, but this is something completely different that I have never seen before and I can't seem to come up with an effective way to describe it. Eventually I fumble out, "Why are you here?"

His eyes shift over to my screen. "You're serious about it."

I follow his gaze, realizing it was left on the search screen about donating hair. "I'm thinking about it." Not about to admit I'm torn between keeping the memories and desiring to lop it all off.

Sensing him move, I watch him go over and sit on the edge of my bed and open up his laptop. "Would you be able to spare about twenty-five centimeters of your hair?" Raising an eyebrow, I sit down next to him to find out what he's looking at.

"Isn't that…" Without asking, I gently take the laptop from him and start flipping through the site, taking in basic information. "But I have a lot more than ten inches of hair…" I look down to where Heero is rubbing a lock of hair between his thumb and his fingers. The man seems to have a new fetish and for some reason, I can't bring myself to tell him to stop it.

"Wouldn't be Duo without the braid." Blink…what did Heero have at dinner that I didn't?

"Heh, where would I be without all the braided idiot comments?" Between the Preventers and school, I hear it more often than my own name. It's like they don't want you to know that they're talking about you, but they could choose a less distinguishing nickname if they were bright enough to realize that I'm the only guy around with a meter-long braid.

"You're not an idiot." Taking the laptop back from me before it slips off my lap, Yuy asks, "Are you going to do it?"

"I think I would like to…" My mind trails off trying to think of who I would be willing to let close enough to me with a potential weapon. I can part with some of my hair and what I cut off will be going to help kids so that works for me, but…getting it cut is the new obstacle. I could try on my own, but I don't think I'd be able to get the ends even afterwards.

"I'll cut it tomorrow after Wufei leaves to go train." Getting up, Heero heads towards the door.

Geez…this guy is unreal. Like I said before – I couldn't have asked for a better friend and seeing as this one can't seem to kill himself while trying, I think he's going to be around awhile. "Thanks, Heero."  
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Fin  
by JeiC  
June 2006  
---  
Author's notes: This idea came about while talking to Sukunai Kitsune. I think she was commenting on cutting off my braid with a sword when I cosplay Preventer Duo. The commentary we had was humorous, but you know me – I have this odd tendency to write angst.  
If you aren't familiar with the organization that I vaguely referred to in the story, it's Locks of Love (locksoflove. org).It has been a few years since I donated my Duo-length braid (the whole thing, not just 10" like Duo), but I keep them in mind as I grow my hair back out. That and that someday I'll be able to cosplay Duo without extensions!  
I didn't write this with the intent to promote the organization, but rather as a viable solution for Duo's attachment to his hair. I wanted to write a "give Duo a good reason to cut his hair, but not cut all of it off" story and I like what came about from that.  
And Sukunai Kitsune…Wufei is not allowed to use Duo's hair period – especially for fishing line or sewing.  
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